Longed-for relapse. chainsmoking after 21 days
Since that March 26th, my body has been in unbearable suspense. I tried to be the perfect patient, breathing in that clean, empty air while counting down each hour. But today, the control broke.
I chain-smoked two cigarettes, one after the other, letting the black coffee clear the way for the first real hit. As I felt that first drag, the world crumbled. It's not just the nicotine; it's the thick taste of tar reclaiming its place in my throat, burning with a familiarity that makes me vibrate. Right now, the rush is an electric shock that blurs my vision. The dizziness is so strong! My hands and body tremble; it's the spasm of a body finally reclaiming its essence. Discharge? A formality I no longer care about. I prefer the risk of this smoke to the mediocrity of a "healthy" life. I feel dizzy, saturated, and, for the first time in weeks, I feel whole.
This is my only way of living.
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